“HABITUALIZING”

Building Foundational Skills for Intentional Relating

It’s all about choices, great choices versus bad habits. The essence of being great in your relationship is intentionally and consciously practicing foundational skills until they become powerful foundational relationship habits.

Let’s use an analogy you can probably relate to. For any job, you must demonstrate entry-level competence before you’re turned loose to operate on your own. This is a useful way to think of why you need to establish basic skill competencies before you can perform well in a relationship (perhaps your most important job). If you are to be effective and successful relationally, you need to first be competent in recognizing when you are in fight, flight or freeze mode, and able to hit the reset button. Being uptight and defensive needs to quickly give way to being relaxed and open. Secondly, practice makes this shift rapid, consistent, and routine. Imagine it being automatic and habitual to be sensitive, empathic, calm, and connected. Having this “entry-level” skill-set doesn’t ensure success in the relationship, but it’s certain you’ll have little success otherwise. These “foundational skills” simply free your brain’s energy to deal with the “heavy lifting” of more complex issues. No longer does your brain have to expend enormous energy struggling with basic decisions. Instead, positive responses become habitual, requiring little thought or energy. Being competent in foundational skills, if practiced, will feel easy and natural.

Best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only 5 – 10 minutes a day and requires very little willpower. Developing “foundational” skills with minimal effort frees your brain up for the challenges of more complex relationship issues.

Two forms follow. The first form, your Intentional Relating Scoring Form, gives you the opportunity to record your scores for assessment items a – j each day for an entire month.

The second form, your Intentional Relating Profile, allows you to record each daily score for an entire month, resulting in a profile showing strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and challenges. Be honest and assess yourself each morning looking back on the last 24 hours.

Bill and Robin Shearer

©2015

MINDFUL CHOICE:_                                                                

Month                                                    Name                                           

0 = Not true, 0%          1 = Mostly not true, 25%         2 = Partially true, 50%    3 = Largely true, 75%                                       4 = Totally true, 95%-100%

INTENTIONAL RELATING PRE-TEST (focusing on a particular relationship)

DIRECTIONS: For each statement, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the previous 24 hours. Record the number that best applies on the table above.

Note: while the language of this self-assessment is suited to answering in regard to a particular relationship, you may choose to answer with the mindset of how you respond in general to others.

0= not true at all, or 0%, 1= mostly not true, or 25%, 2= partially true, or 50%, 3= largely true, or 75%, 4=totally true, or 95%-100%

I Listen Attentively, Not Reactively. In my interactions with my partner, I listen attentively and I am conscious of equality and symmetry of air time. We each get to talk and be listened to with no one dominating the conversation or monopolizing the time we have for discussion. My intention is to understand my partner, help them feel listened to and understood, and engage with them in such a manner that the relationship is strengthened, and cooperation and productivity is enhanced.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Respond calmly and respectfully with Immediacy and Assertiveness. I talk to my partner in a calm and respectful way about what I perceive is going on with us in the "here and now," in the moment. I do not "gunny sack," avoiding issues by stuffing and stacking my thoughts, feelings, and resentments until they can no longer be contained. I show respect for my partner by letting them know where I am coming from. I say what I mean. I don’t agree or say "yes" if I feel differently or mean "no."

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Am Non-defensive and Willing to Learn. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to operate beyond my ego, without the need to be defensive. I don’t have to appear perfect or conceal my mistakes. I am open to constructive feedback even if it means hearing complaints. I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths, accepting an open, willing-to-learn attitude as essential for my personal growth.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Effectively Use Self-Awareness. I am conscious of my physiological state, such as my breathing and muscle tension while talking to my partner. I am able to observe my own self-talk in regard to relationships. I am able to use this self-awareness effectively in self-management, responding calmly, non-defensively, and with the intention of balancing assertiveness with interest in what my partner wants to tell me. In my self-aware interactions I am open, willing to learn, and I pursue understanding rather than agreement.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Am Open, Self-Revealing, and Willing to Take Risks. I am willing to take risks in my relationship by sharing my true needs and feelings, even though I may feel awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. I am willing to trust in my relationship and my belief that honesty and openness is indispensable in relationship building.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Practice Mindfulness and Staying in the Now. I am conscious and intentional in utilizing mindfulness practice as a pathway to increasing intimacy, dialogue, and understanding. In my interactions with my partner, I remain mindfully conscious of the need to live fully in the present, letting go of past resentments, while working to keep fearfulness of future events from interfering with my ability to remain calm, respectful, and willing to connect.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Respond Actively and Constructively. When my partner wants to tell me something, I respond with enthusiasm.  I am actively engaged in a positive way.  I ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going.  I maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor.  I listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of my own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Manage My Emotions, Listening Attentively and Not Reactively, Describing My Feelings Rather Than Attacking with Them. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to stay centered and grounded, able to use my emotions effectively for building my relationship, rather than allowing myself to be overly influenced by strong feelings. Even when emotions are experienced powerfully within my body, I am able to find a calm space within and manage my emotions rather than having my emotions manage me.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I’m Guided by My Belief That Our Relationship Is a Priority. I remain aware of my valuing of our relationship. I remember to express small acts of connection and caring. I show up mindful and aware in our interactions as the person I truly want to be within the relationship. No matter what is happening, I do not lose track of the positive feelings I have about my partner and the relationship.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

I Am Aware of Choices and Consistently Make the Right Choices. I am aware of the choices I have in relating to my partner. I can choose to turn toward, away from, or against my partner. I can choose to be adversarial, withdrawn, or empathic. I can choose to soften or harden. I can choose to listen attentively or reactively. I can choose to be open and willing to learn, or closed and defensive. I can choose to focus on protecting myself, or I can choose to engage in relationship building. I can choose to see conflict as dangerous, or as an opportunity to build my relationship.

I’m aware of choices — and I can make the right choices! My present-moment awareness of the positive choices I can make, along with consistently practicing those choices, is resulting in increasingly choosing well.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

Add your scores, divide by two and enter your total score on the table above and also on your Self-Assessment Profile Sheet . 5 Step Process For Establishing Strong Foundational Habits - Habitualizing

Intention: “Our intention creates our reality.” Write it on a note, and post it where you can see it every morning. Take a minute to connect with your intention.  Make sure you understand how it is an integral part of your overall life plan, why it is important to you.

Awareness: You can’t change something you are not aware of.  We are all about habits – good ones and bad ones.  Develop a mindful awareness of the present moment, catching yourself in the act while at the same time being aware of your commitment to make change.

Focus: (WOOP) Wish – Improving the assessment. Outcome – What will your life and relationship look like with an improved assessment? Obstacles – What is getting in the way of improving the assessment? Plan – Be very specific.  Plan what you will do when you notice old habits popping-up.  For example: Take 3 deep breaths and remind yourself of your intention, and the benefits.  Write down your if-then plan!  Visualize the process, not so much the end goal.

Practice: Anything you repeat is on its way to becoming a habit.  Cultivate present moment awareness, break the behavior down into bite-size pieces, choose new behaviors, and add regular practice plus calm perseverance – otherwise known as patience.

Repetition: Repeat the above 4 steps every day until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits. Focus on the process rather than the product.  Keeping your assessment score in the optimal level for 21 days is probably enough to be transformational!

Habitualizing Process Outline

Choice and Commitment

Be clear on your intention to improve the way you relate in a particular relationship. Freely choose to be proactive in relationship building.

Commit to spending whatever time it takes to make positive, foundational, relationship skills automatic.

Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan (WOOP)

What is your wish or desire for how YOU relate in a particular relationship. What is it that you want?

If you get your wish, what is the overall outcome or long-term benefit you will have achieved?

Obviously there are things that have kept you from achieving the outcome you desire. What are the obstacles within YOU that have kept you from achieving that outcome? What are other obstacles that get in the way? What are the things that derail or prevent positive communication?

d.   Develop a plan, preferably in writing, in an “if… then…” format. For example, if my partner is being difficult, then I will take three deep, slow self-calming diaphragmatic breaths, make sure I’m not in fight or flight mode, remind myself of my intention for the relationship, and proceed with an emotionally intelligent choice.

The Five Step Plan (Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, Repetition)

Start with proclaiming your Intention in a written statement. We suggest a Post-it note you will see and read on your bathroom mirror each morning. You might consider adding a favorite picture of your partner. We suggest you include specifying the process you intend to follow, as well as the hoped-for reward. To add extra power to your intention, we suggest keeping a journal in which you record at the end of the day, three things that went well in your relationship, why they went well, why they are important, and how you might have more of them in your life.

Maintain an awareness by taking about three minutes each morning to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment. Looking back on the past 24 hours, rate yourself and record your results on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. Consider posting a reminder to yourself to do your assessment on the coffee maker or refrigerator.

Focus is where WOOP comes in. Your wish is to get a high score on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment tomorrow morning, but there are obstacles. Identify the obstacles and develop an “if… then…” plan for dealing with each obstacle. Briefly visualize the process you will employ. Visualize the obstacles you’ve identified, and visualize implementing your “if… then…” plan. Begin your visualization with meditation or diaphragmatic breathing to ensure you are relaxed and focused, much like a professional athlete mentally rehearsing his or her performance.

Throughout your day, look for opportunities to practice intentional relating skills. Consider re-reading your intention upon noticing certain cues, such as getting a drink of any kind. Resolve to practice the skills independent of whether or not your partner is doing the same. Do the right thing anyway.

Repetition completes the process. Repeat the entire process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new “foundational” habits