Chapter 8

Chapter 8

MINDFUL CHOICE 4

Cultivating Mindfulness

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

Pema Chodron

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

James Baraz

“Learning how to stop all you’re doing and shift over to a ‘being’ mode, learning how to make time for yourself, how to slow down and nurture calmness and self acceptance in yourself, learning to observe what your own mind is up to from moment to moment, how to watch your thoughts and how to let go of them without getting so caught up and driven by them, how to make room for new ways of seeing old problems and for perceiving the interconnectedness of things, these are some of the lessons of mindfulness.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

“Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.
If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life.”

Wu Men

“Man sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die,
and then he dies having never really lived.”

The Dalai Lama

We particularly like the last quote. Mindfulness is a discipline that allows you to be in the now, in the moment, fully experiencing and celebrating the full tapestry of your life. It also provides you with tremendous opportunities to passionately engage your life with creativity, purposefulness, and emotional intelligence.

What would you see if you were to eavesdrop on one of our Mindful Choices therapy groups? You would see a group of 8 to 10 people wholeheartedly engaged in personal transformation, consciously choosing life and healing over what Jon Kabat-Zinn refers to as “automaticity.” What is “automaticity?” It’s living your life on autopilot, following a predetermined script, guided by beliefs that don’t serve you very well, dominated by inaccurate thoughts taken as literal truth or as commands that must be obeyed, mindlessly reacting your way through life, unaware of a multitude of great choices for making your life better, often unaware that you have choices at all.

Although we emphasize many tools, part of our two-hour group session is devoted to mindfulness meditation, certainly not the only way to develop mindfulness skills, but an extremely valuable tool nevertheless. So, what would you see if you observed group members meditating?

If new to meditation, you might think that our group members were relaxing, daydreaming, or even asleep. You might not realize they were intensely engaged in “non-doing,” practicing being fully present, aware, and focused in the here and now. As stated by Jon Kabat-Zinn: “They are actively tuning into each moment in an effort to remain awake and aware from one moment to the next.”

We told you previously that all of our choices are interrelated, with each choice affecting the others. This is certainly true of Choice 1 and Choice 4. Basic to any mindfulness practice is learning to be more aware of your breathing, and basic to any stress management practice is the combination of learning mindfulness skills and mindful awareness of your breathing.

You met Matt in Chapter 1. Let’s continue with Matt’s journey toward well-being:

Matt learned diaphragmatic breathing from Robin during his first session. It was magic! Previously, stress and anxiety had seemed overwhelming and the effects were felt in his work-life, his relationships, and his health. His quality of life had been at an all-time low and he didn’t like the life he was living. In fact, life seemed bleak and pointless, one stressful day after another with no enjoyment – just more stress.

The “breath work” brought about major changes. Matt hadn’t realized he had been breathing mainly from his upper chest, breathing becoming more rapid, shallow and irregular with increasing stress – and he was almost always stressed. In fact, Matt wasn’t much aware of his breathing at all until he began the practice. Spending just 10 minutes a day practicing diaphragmatic breathing, or “belly” breathing made him aware of his breathing 24-7. That heightened awareness allowed him to catch himself being “up-tight,” such an awareness serving as a cue reminding him to plug in a learned relaxation response, quickly lowering his level of stress and anxiety. Moreover, Matt had learned to take three deep diaphragmatic breaths whenever he was aware of being stressed, a “mindful pause,” and the additional step worked wonders.

Matt had also been learning about “self-talk.” We all talk to ourselves, but most of us aren’t much aware of self-talk or the incessant inner chatter that typifies how the human mind works.

Our minds are always busy generating thoughts, and some of those thoughts are destructive. Matt learned we often disturb ourselves with automatic negative thoughts, or long held core beliefs that aren’t accurate and don’t serve us very well. He also learned about “schema,” self-destructive patterns learned mostly in childhood that lead us to re-create the conditions of our childhood that were most difficult for us (more about schema in Life Choice 5).

An epiphany! When he was up-tight, or in fight or flight mode (which was often the case), Matt wasn’t much aware of self-talk at all. It was only when he slowed himself down with diaphragmatic breathing that he became fully conscious of things he was telling himself. He realized it wasn’t so much what was happening that was important, but what he was telling himself about what was happening. When calmer, he could mindfully observe his own thoughts, see them as only “stories” his mind was telling him, decide that those stories were not particularly useful, and choose a different and wiser direction.

Diaphragmatic breathing alone wasn’t enough, nor was redirecting his self-talk in and of itself sufficient. It was a team effort – well practiced diaphragmatic breathing combined with more realistic self-talk, leading to more useful choices that dramatically lowered his stress. Doing one without the other was like having one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake — not very effective. In combination however the results were dramatic. Matt discovered that he could breathe deep, slow, and regular, while talking to himself in a calm and self-soothing way, gently reminding himself: “It’s okay. Let it be. There is no emergency here, I’m a fallible human being, just like all other human beings – and that’s okay.”

Matt realized self-talk had a tone, and the tone was important. His thoughts could be loud, demanding, or scary, or they could be soft, gentle, and quiet. There was also an urgency and tempo. Matt became aware of having racing thoughts when he was stressed, or slowing his thoughts and focusing when he decided on a different and more reasonable direction. It was a choice. Be frazzled, or calm down, slow down, and let go!

Exciting possibilities – Matt felt more in control of his life than ever before. It was quite a paradox. While desperately seeking control over his life, life seemed unmanageable. Letting go of volcanic struggling however, opened the door to a life of purpose, meaning, and satisfaction. What an insight! Over control is out of control. You have to give up control to actually find control. Sometimes you have to slow to grow.

Matt thought – this is great! Where do I go from here? Realizing that old habits die hard, and would resurface given the opportunity, Matt was eager to take this new learning further. In therapy, he learned that this process actually had a name – “mindfulness.”

Matt had begun what was to become central to his life, a journey of self-awareness, a journey of transformation. Matt was learning to be awake and purposeful rather than on autopilot, in charge of his life, intrinsically motivated, reinventing himself, and reshaping his future. Exciting possibilities! Where do you begin? In the words of the 15th century Indian poet Kabir: “wherever you are, that’s the entry point.”

Mindfulness is a discipline, a skill that can be developed with practice. Mainstream culture and psychology seem to just now be discovering the power of mindfulness, but it’s actually a 2500 year-old concept. Resources are plentiful, both in print, and on the Internet. For example, you might check out the many mindfulness videos on YouTube.

In our work with stress management, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, relationship issues, and all addictions and compulsions, the concept of mindfulness takes center stage. Recovery and growth, and the achievement of emotional balance, regardless of the problem being addressed, cannot take place without developing mindful awareness and the ability to take a step back and observe your own thoughts, feelings and images – particularly your “stories.” Stories are elaborate explanations for what’s happening in your life, explanations that may be totally lacking in accuracy or usefulness. Your mind is not always your friend.

People with chronic stress and anxiety have a lot of negative learning to overcome. They have learned how to view unexpected events, conditions, and certain people as threatening. They've learned to doubt their ability to cope with stressful situations. They have learned to “awfulize” and “catastrophize,” expecting the worst. They have learned to think negatively about themselves and others. They are often out of touch with their needs and don't feel successful at getting their needs met. They often feel an inordinate amount of guilt, and they're prone to worry. They may feel disconnected from their values, the things that matter most, and they often don't know how to be joyful. They're living in an anxious past or a threatening future, and are having a tough time slowing down and being fully present in the “here and now.”

Being mindful simply means paying attention. It's tuning in with all your senses, calmly deferring action or judgment while you observe what is, what’s going on within you and around you this moment. It’s not having to do anything immediately. With a calm shift to full and focused awareness of internal thoughts, feelings, and physical states, as well as awareness of everything occurring around you, you become able to consciously and purposely participate in your reality in a powerfully positive and realistic way.

Mindfulness skills require practice and the cultivation of four of these skills can continue for a lifetime. The skill of awareness is about learning to focus attention on one thing, rather than many things, while becoming aware of everything going on within you, such as your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, as well as everything your senses are telling you. The skill of nonjudgmental observation is about noticing your experiences without judging them as “good” or “bad.” The skill of staying in the moment is about paying attention to, and participating in, the here and now, rather than being preoccupied by memories of the past or expectations for the future. The skill of beginner’s mind is about observing things as they are without preconceived notions or expectations, while being open to a multitude of possibilities.

STAYING PRESENT BY CULTIVATING MINDFULNESS PRE-TEST

DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the past week and record that number on the following table.

Staying Present	a	b	c	d	e	Total Divided
Cultivating Awareness	f	g	h	i	j	by 2= ______

0= not true at all, 1= mostly not true, 2= partially true, 3= largely true, 4=totally true

I Practice Present Moment Awareness. Throughout my day, I am aware of being in the present moment with whatever I am doing, whether it is eating, walking, sitting, working on a task or simply observing something. Being in the present moment means that I am attending only to what is happening to me in that moment, striving to let go of thoughts involving the past or the future and giving full attention and awareness to information coming in from all of my senses