Chapter 14
MINDFUL CHOICE 10
Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion
“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” Mark Twain
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” E.E. Cummings
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
Working with severe anxiety over the past three decades has led us to two important conclusions:
1. Most people who suffer from anxiety that rises to the level of being considered an “anxiety disorder” also have a significant level of depression and chronic stress. This has led us to talk about our work more as treating stress, anxiety, and depression, than treating anxiety all by itself.
2. Although each of our clients has their own story, there are also intriguing similarities. What is the most obvious similarity? Virtually all of our clients are very self-critical.
It turns out that there is a strong relationship between self-criticism and problems with stress, anxiety and depression. While most people maintain that being hard on themselves is essential to being motivated, the opposite is true. Self-criticism actually increases fear of failure therefore increasing avoidance behaviors. Self-criticism also damages self-efficacy, the belief and confidence that you have what it takes to get the job done.
Clearly self-criticism is not only a poor way to motivate yourself, but it turns out to be a barrier to motivation. Self-acceptance and Self-compassion on the other hand are related to intrinsic motivation. It’s about self-kindness rather than self-judgment, and that doesn’t mean self-pity or going easy on yourself. On the contrary self -compassion is about caring for yourself enough to want what’s truly best for you. Quitting your job, forgoing exercise, eating junk food to your heart’s content are not acts of self-compassion, but rather acts of self-abuse and self-sabotage. Self-compassion means choosing healthy and effective behaviors because you matter and you’re fully accepting responsibility for being good to yourself in ways that enhance your well-being.
Let’s take a look at the experience of one of our clients:
Bob paused, lowered the book, and gazed out the window, reflecting on the challenge of the first few pages. In his gut, he felt the words resonated with an undeniable truth, but he felt quite conflicted nevertheless. One sentence in particular got his attention:
“Insecurity, anxiety, and depression are incredibly common in our society, and much of this is due to self-judgment, to beating ourselves up when we feel we aren’t winning in the game of life.”
She’s talking about me, thought Bob. His therapist, Bill, had urged him to read Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin. He was now understanding why Bill felt it so important that he read the book, but he was pessimistic – Okay, I know I’m self-critical, but I can’t see how reading a book will change anything. Don’t you have to beat yourself up a bit to get anything done? What would happen if I didn’t? I’d probably screw things up, and maybe even lose my job. There’s always someone else waiting to eat my lunch if I’m not on my toes. I know I’m stressed and depressed, but I can’t see any way around it. It’s just the way it is.
Still, there was all this stress, depression and anxiety, and he didn’t like himself very much. Perhaps all that was needed was medication, but Bob did much like that idea either. Oh well, thought Bob, I’ll be seeing Bill again tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of questions. I hope he has some answers
Arriving just as Bill opened the lobby door to the waiting room, Bob moved quickly to Bill’s office. Taking his usual seat on the sofa, Bob exclaimed: “Okay, I’m reading the book and I get it that I have a problem with self-acceptance. Are you saying that’s where my depression and anxiety comes from?”
Bill replied: “To a large extent. Your self-talk is merciless, and you drive yourself like you’re fighting a war. When I ask you if you’re having any fun, you respond with a blank stare. There doesn’t seem to be anything you’re looking forward to, or anything you’re enjoying. You’re almost always tired and stressed, yet you won’t cut yourself any slack. And then there is your self- talk – what would happen if your best friend talked to you the way you talk to you?”
Bob thought a moment. “I guess he wouldn’t be my best friend any longer. I get what you’re trying to tell me. No one is harder on me than I am. I was taught I had to be – that I’d be a failure if I didn’t push myself.”
“It goes way beyond pushing yourself,” Bill replied. It’s really a form of self-hatred. You don’t like yourself very much. Your self-talk is incessantly negative. You think it’s necessary, because it’s all you’ve ever known. It’s part of how you see the world and your place in that world. However, you’re paying a huge cost. Your depression and anxiety, and your high level of stress, directly result not from what’s happening around you, but from what you are telling yourself. I asked you in our last session what you liked about yourself and you had a tough time responding. That’s when I recommended the book”
“That’s true,” replied Bob. I’ve never liked myself much. It seems so basic though to who I am. It’s just my personality. How can I change?
“Okay, now you’re asking the right question. There’s a lot we can work on.” Bill continued: “It may seem overwhelming, but we’ll break it down into bite-size pieces. Believe it or not, these are things you can change.
“Meanwhile, I’d like you to keep reading the book. Kristin Neff talks about self-compassion being about three things: simply being kind to yourself, recognizing that you are one with all of humanity with all of us being imperfect, and being mindful of when you’re being kind to yourself, and when you’re being harsh and hateful toward you. These are the things we’ll be working on.”
Bob replied: “Well, it’s hard to imagine thinking any differently, but I know things have to change. For the first time I’m excited about the possibilities.”
If you’re reading this book, the chances are you can relate to Bob. Your stress, anxiety and depression may very well be based on having self-criticism as your default mechanism when things go wrong, while at the same time being highly resistant to self-acceptance and self-compassion. Let’s check it out with the following self-assessment:
SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND SELF-COMPASSION SELF-ASSESSMENT
DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your thinking, beliefs, or behavior for the past week and record that number on the following table.
| Breath Awareness | a | b | c | d | e | Total Divided |
| and Retraining | f | g | h | i | j | by 2= ______ |
0= not true at all, 1= mostly not true, 2= partially true, 3= largely true, 4=totally true
- I Have a Nonjudgmental Attitude toward Myself. I have a nonjudgmental attitude toward myself, fully accepting that I am a fallible human being, and able to accept myself anyway. I choose not to dwell on my shortcomings. I am mindful of when I am being harsh and judgmental with myself, or kind and gentle with myself, and I choose to be kind.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
b. I Ignore My Inner Critic. I am aware of my inner critic and choose to adopt the tactic of practicing self-calming skills as I observe and accept my self-talk without "fusing," or buying into my negative thoughts. I accept my negative self-talk as merely thoughts that I’ve learned, and not necessarily valid. I can simply notice my thoughts without having to do anything with them, accepting my thoughts as only thoughts. I don’t have to let my inner critic block me from living a valued life.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
c. I Appreciate My Positive Qualities. I pay little attention to my negative qualities and instead choose to focus on positive aspects of myself. There is far more right with me than wrong with me and I appreciate and build upon what’s good.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
d. I Believe in My Ability to Make Positive Changes. I think about changes I desire as things I am fully able to do, and believe I can successfully accomplish. I’m not letting self-doubt or fear, or over-concern of what others want, hold me back from choosing the life I want.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
e. I Choose Unconditional Self-Acceptance Rather Than Conditional Self-Acceptance. I evaluate my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and CHOICES as “good” or “bad” depending upon whether they support my basic goals or are consistent with my values and how I want to view myself – but I Do Not go further to a global evaluation of myself as “good” or “bad.”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
f. I Choose to Be Kind to Myself Regardless of External Events. My sense of self-worth is not dependent on my latest setback or success. No matter what is happening, I Maintain a sense of kindness to self, or self-compassion. I am consistently kind to myself.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
g. I See Myself As A Work in Progress. I refuse to label myself as "good" or "bad," choosing instead to accept myself as a "work in progress” with the ability to take mistakes in stride and accept all shortcomings as simply part of the human condition and life lessons to be learned. I can tell myself: “Yes, I have made mistakes, but now I know better. My ordinary self is acceptable, and I’m growing and changing in the direction of my values.”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
h. I Treat Myself As Well As I Treat Those I Care About and Respect the Most. I give myself the same caring, support, and encouragement that I would give to a close friend or loved one.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
i. My Inner Dialogue Is Caring and Kind. My inner dialogue is consistently caring and kind when my thoughts are directed toward myself, my life, my abilities, or my worth as a person.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
j. I Practice Mindful Awareness and Defusing Negative Thinking. I practice mindful awareness, recognizing when I am being harsh, judgmental, or overly critical toward myself. I recognize when I am comparing myself unfavorably to others, and feeling inadequate in comparison. I remind myself that these are only thoughts, and not necessarily accurate or deserving of my uncritical acceptance. I can see a thought as only a thought, something my mind is telling me, something I have learned that may not be correct, and something that I can defuse and ignore.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Self-Acceptance/Self-Compassion table above.
The following is an example of the table squares a-J filled in with 10 scores, each square representing the 0-4 score on that particular statement. The scores are then totaled in the last square, for a total of 30 that is then divided by 2 for a final score of 15.
| Self- Acceptance | a 3 | B 2 | C 4 | D 4 | E 3 | Total Divided |
| Self- Compassion | F 3 | G 3 | H 2 | I 3 | J 3 | by 2= ___15___ |
The score of 15 is then located on the grid below. This means that for the past week STAYING PRESENT BY CULTIVATING MINDFULNESS performance was between the “Good” category and “Optimal.” Overall, this means that the person taking this pretest was doing well with being conscious and intentional in his or her relationships with others. However, there is still substantial room for improvement.
Okay, now it’s time to enter your score on the grid below.
How did you do? Remember, no matter how well you have done on this pretest, there is no limit to how masterful you can become in being self-accepting and self-compassionate.
Let’s first take a deeper look at the rationale behind the 10 statements in our self-assessment.
The thoughts behind the Life Choice 10 assessment statements
a. I Have a Nonjudgmental Attitude toward Myself. I have a nonjudgmental attitude toward myself, fully accepting that I am a fallible human being, and able to accept myself anyway. I choose not to dwell on my shortcomings. I am mindful of when I am being harsh and judgmental with myself, or kind and gentle with myself, and I choose to be kind.
Are we saying that you should be totally free of self-reflection and self-evaluation? No, of course not. What we’re saying is that judging yourself globally as good or bad, competent or incompetent, worthwhile or worthless, runs contrary to good mental health. On the other hand, looking at specific behaviors that you wish to change is a first step in making positive choices and changes.
It makes a huge difference whether you are critical of your choices and behaviors, or using your mistakes as evidence in forming a negative evaluation of your essence as a human being. Are you feeling guilt about specific actions or shame about your worth as a person? A feeling of guilt is about something you have done, and guilt can be helpful if it leads to righting a wrong or making up for hurtful behavior. Shame on the other hand tends to be about you as a person being unacceptable.
Good mental health means telling yourself that you are a fallible and imperfect human being who is like everyone else on the planet – all fallible and imperfect human beings. The idea is to accept yourself anyway. Dwelling on perceived shortcomings is simply impractical. Beating yourself up in the hope that it will lead somehow to not beating yourself up doesn’t make much sense. Instead, take the position of accepting that you will inevitably make mistakes, tell yourself: “I’ve made mistakes and now I know better.” It is what it is,” accept it, learn from it, deal with it or don’t deal with it, and move on.
b. I Ignore My Inner Critic. I am aware of my inner critic and choose to adopt the tactic of practicing self-calming skills as I observe and accept my self-talk without "fusing," or buying into my negative thoughts. I accept my negative self-talk as merely thoughts that I’ve learned, and not necessarily valid. I can simply notice my thoughts without having to do anything with them, accepting my thoughts as only thoughts. I don’t have to let my inner critic block me from living a valued life.
Do you have an inner critic? We hope you do – but a realistic and reasonable one. Actually, an inner critic is normal and an inner critic tuned in to your basic needs serves the purpose of helping you make necessary course corrections and live your life more consistently with your goals and values. The problem is having an inner critic that incessantly barrages you with toxic levels of self-criticism, severely damaging your sense of self and generating intense and chronic stress, anxiety and depression. This one has been aptly dubbed, your “Pathological Critic.”
One way of knowing whether your inner critic is helpful or a bully Pathological Critic, is to be aware of the level of distress that results from your critical self-talk. If the result is unrelenting stress, anxiety and depression, rather than feeling challenged and committed to make changes, your self-talk is probably taking you in the wrong direction. Your pathological critic is leading you to judge yourself in ways that produce unnecessary suffering and distress.
One of our favorite books is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Russ talks about “fusing” with negative thoughts and images to the extent that you either accept them unconditionally as your reality, or you struggle against them with all of your energy. Either way, the negative thoughts are central to your life and influence every behavior and every relationship.
“Defusing” on the other hand, is about accepting that your mind has generated negative thoughts and images, but being able to choose whether or not to be guided by them. Defusing means first taking a step back, perhaps using a deep diaphragmatic breath to calm and center yourself. Next, take a calm reflective look at what you’re telling yourself, giving yourself the choice to “defuse the thought,” moving instead in a direction that is more practical and more in keeping with your needs and values.
This becomes possible only in combination with the ability to rapidly calm and center yourself. Taking “Three Deep Breaths” as Thomas Crum advises in his book by the same name is a way of slowing things down so that it becomes possible to observe your own thinking, and see your thoughts as only thoughts and not absolute truths or messages that must be obeyed. The Breath Awareness and Breath Retraining of Mindful Choice 1 helps with the practiced self-calming skill necessary for quickly defusing troublesome thoughts when they occur. Quickly moving to a place of inner calm allows you to say to yourself: “I’m noticing that my mind is telling me…” This is far different than fusing with negative thoughts as defused thoughts are experienced as just thoughts, not reality, and therefore not necessarily valid or requiring any action.
c. I Appreciate My Positive Qualities. I pay little attention to my negative qualities and instead choose to focus on positive aspects of myself. There is far more right with me than wrong with me and I appreciate and build upon what’s good.
Do you have negative qualities? Of course you do. We all do. Do you spend as much time thinking about the positive qualities as you do the negative? Did you know it’s a choice?
Once again The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
If there is something you can realistically change, change it! Develop an action plan and give yourself permission to go for it. Don’t waste time feeling bad about your age or your height or other things beyond your control, but do make choices about things you can change, things that can positively impact your happiness and well-being. Focus on your strengths. As an old song proclaimed, “You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.” You will go much further, with far less stress, anxiety and depression, by building on the positive, then dwelling on the negative.
d. I Believe in My Ability to Make Positive Changes. I think about changes I desire as things I am fully able to do, and believe I can successfully accomplish. I’m not letting self-doubt or fear, or over-concern of what others want, hold me back from choosing the life I want.
The psychological term is “self-efficacy.” This means believing you have the power to make choices, and the ability to make those choices a new reality. Unfortunately, many people not only see little opportunity for making positive changes in their lives, but often don’t believe they have choices at all.
The self-acceptance/self-efficacy connection might be difficult to see at first. Carl Rogers got it right in the chapter’s beginning quotes when he stated that when you can accept yourself, you can change. Self- acceptance means not being held back by self-criticism or fear of failure, therefore experiencing an increase in self-efficacy. More self-efficacy means more motivation, and more motivation means accomplishing the things you really want to accomplish.
e. I Choose Unconditional Self-Acceptance Rather Than Conditional Self-Acceptance. I evaluate my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and CHOICES as “good” or “bad” depending upon whether they support my basic goals or are consistent with my values and how I want to view myself – but I Do Not go further to a global evaluation of myself as “good” or “bad.”
You have as much right to be here as anyone, and you are as deserving of success as anyone else. The task is for you to learn how to be your own best friend. If your best friend talked to you the way you talk to you, would he or she still be your best friend? We doubt it. It’s absolutely crucial that you develop an awareness of treating yourself harshly, and clearly resolve to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion instead.
f. I Choose to Be Kind to Myself Regardless of External Events. My sense of self-worth is not dependent on my latest setback or success. No matter what is happening, I maintain a sense of kindness to self, or self-compassion. I am consistently kind to myself.
This statement highlights the difference between the term “self-esteem,” and self-acceptance and self-compassion. According to Kristin Neff, the term self-esteem is about comparing yourself to others and being special and above average. In fact most of us consider being referred to as “average” as an insult. It’s problematic.
If you’re prone to perfectionism and comparing, reality is frustrating. Self-esteem based upon being above average is hard to hang onto when you have setbacks or when someone else is perceived as smarter, better looking, more successful, or otherwise better at something that’s important to you.
Self-acceptance and self-compassion on the other hand are about an attitude of consistently being kind to yourself. If you are winning, be kind to yourself. If you are losing, be kind to yourself. No matter what happens, be kind to yourself. It’s a choice. Accept that you have inherent worth, and choose to be kind to yourself no matter what is happening. Stop comparing! Choose to be your own best friend – consistently!
g. I See Myself As A Work in Progress. I refuse to label myself as "good" or "bad," choosing instead to accept myself as a "work in progress” with the ability to take mistakes in stride and accept all shortcomings as simply part of the human condition and life lessons to be learned. I can tell myself: “Yes, I have made mistakes, but now I know better. My ordinary self is acceptable, and I’m growing and changing in the direction of my values.”
Many of our clients are young adults who have already concluded that they’re not good enough, or that they are a failure. They think that they should be further along. Setbacks are a source of intense anxiety and frustration. Negative thoughts and feelings about self are virtually a knee-jerk reaction to things not going well.
Enter the concept of a “work in progress.” We agree with Jon Kabat-Zinn when he says: “There is far more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you.” There are always choices. You can make choices today that will improve your life tomorrow. One huge choice is to see your life as a work in progress and approach mistakes as simply learning opportunities. Moreover, you can choose to accept setbacks as normal, pain and difficulty as part of the human condition. There are valuable lessons embodied in mistakes and disappointments, if you can see them as such, and there are always choices that can make things better, if you can simply open to the possibilities.
h. I Treat Myself As Well As I Treat Those I Care About and Respect the Most. I give myself the same caring, support, and encouragement that I would give to a close friend or loved one.
Often, people aren’t aware of “self-talk.” However, we all talk to ourselves and it never stops as long as we are conscious. Are you compassionate with yourself? Are you kind? Are you harsh? We try to get people to be mindful not only of what they are saying to themselves, but also the “tone.” Is your tone warm and friendly? Is it self-soothing?
Imagine yourself talking to your very best friend or a much loved family member. What tone would you use? What language would you choose?
Self-compassion and self-acceptance mean consistently choosing an attitude of kindness toward self and this kindness is reflected by the tone and words of your inner dialogue. If you not talking to yourself like your own best friend, choose an attitude of self-compassion.
i. My Inner Dialogue Is Caring and Kind. My inner dialogue is consistently caring and kind when my thoughts are directed toward myself, my life, my abilities, or my worth as a person.
Being kind and caring in your inner dialogue is easy when things are going well. The challenge is consistency no matter what is happening. The proof comes with how you are treating yourself during difficult times, during times when you feel rejected by others, and during times of personal setbacks. Are you consistently kind, in good times and bad times?
j. I Practice Mindful Awareness and Defusing Negative Thinking. I practice mindful awareness, recognizing when I am being harsh, judgmental, or overly critical toward myself. I recognize when I am comparing myself unfavorably to others, and feeling inadequate in comparison. I remind myself that these are only thoughts, and not necessarily accurate or deserving of my uncritical acceptance. I can see a thought as only a thought, something my mind is telling me, something I have learned that may not be correct, and something that I can defuse and ignore.
This statement draws heavily upon Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Our minds continuously generate thoughts and sometimes these thoughts get us in trouble. Just because your mind produces a thought doesn’t mean that thought is accurate or helpful. Sometimes your mind is not your best friend and disturbing or destructive thoughts are generated. The important thing is to recognize thoughts as only thoughts, not as commands that have to be obeyed. When noticing a thought the important thing is to observe the thought from a calm space, be aware that it’s only a thought, remind yourself that thoughts come and go, and realize there is a choice. You don’t have to struggle against the thought or exert energy in avoiding the thought. It’s simply a thought and you can decide whether or not that thought is helpful or useful.
Self-acceptance and self compassion discussion.
You’ve probably noticed that our 10 Mindful Choices areas are interrelated. Making progress on one choice area usually means making progress in others. This is certainly true when it comes to self acceptance and self-compassion. Choice 1, Breath Awareness and Retraining makes it possible to calm down, slow down, relax and accurately observe your thoughts. Choice 5, Self Reflection and Dealing with Negative Self Talk, helps you realize that sometimes your mind is not your friend. Choice 6, Staying Present by Cultivating Mindfulness, is all about being able to see thoughts as merely thoughts, and not objective reality. Mindful awareness helps you be with your thoughts, but not overwhelmed by them or having to invest substantial energy into fighting with them or avoiding them. Instead, mindful awareness allows you to step back, allow room for the thoughts, but choose self-acceptance and self-compassion anyway.
So, what do you get when you have all of our choices working together, with a particular emphasis on self-acceptance and self-compassion? You get what Brene Brown describes as “wholehearted living” in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. She describes wholehearted living in her book’s introduction: “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. it’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
Our typical client is a perfectionist, and Brene Brown has a lot to say about perfectionism. She states that: “perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a belief that if we lived perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.” Please note that being a perfectionist doesn’t mean being perfect. It simply means you are endlessly beating yourself up for your shortcomings, real or imagined.
Brene Brown also states that: “Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance… Perfectionism is other-focused – What will they think? Many of our clients grew up getting praise and recognition only when they were performing. They became “human doings,” rather than human beings, always striving to be better and never feeling as though they quite measured up to the expectations of others. Furthermore, the result of believing that you must please others in everything you do is most likely stress, frustration, depression, anxiety, indecisiveness, and a lack of self acceptance.
Julie is a high achiever. Now pursuing a graduate degree, she has always worked exceedingly hard, and always done well by most people’s standards. In her mind however, she’s never done enough, never performed well enough, and is terrified of future failure. She constantly compares herself to others and is sure she doesn’t measure up. Her friends seem more successful, more socially adept, more attractive, more likable. Maybe if she tries harder, is better at avoiding mistakes, is better at figuring out how to please others — then maybe everything will be okay. Deep down she thinks she’s fooling herself. She’s not enough and will probably never be enough. Every day, every moment, is a new opportunity to fail. Every day is like taking 1000 new tests, and anything less than a perfect score is failure.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve. There is certainly nothing wrong with valuing excellence. However, there is a world of difference between wanting success, having high standards, and the self-destructive habit of perfectionism. Perfectionism is about “musts” and “shoulds,” as described in the chapter on Self Reflection. Wanting to succeed is fine. Telling yourself that you “must” succeed at all costs or you are a dismal failure, is a recipe for stress, anxiety, and depression.
You’ve met Matt and his wife Beverly throughout the book. Let’s take a look at Beverly’s journey in overcoming harsh self-judgments growing out of a perfectionistic mindset. We will use Beverly’s story to illustrate once again the process for changing destructive habits – “Habitualizing,” as well as a practice from Emotional Memory Reconsolidation or Coherence Therapy (Unlocking the Emotional Brain by Bruce Ecker).
Beverly sat in her therapy session barely holding back the tears as she recounted her teen years. Her father was a driven man and about as perfectionistic as they come, both in sports and professionally. “I’ve never stopped trying to please him, but whatever I do, it never seems like enough. He’s a fitness fanatic and I thought that was a surely a way to please him. I was on the varsity tennis team in high school, and played basketball in college, but he never attended my matches or games, and I never once heard that he was proud of me. I always got top grades, but again, it was never enough. Still, I can’t stop trying. I know I’ll never get what I need from him, but I have to try anyway. It makes me miserable.” Now, the tears were flowing.
Bill listened, reflecting on how many times he’d heard similar stories in therapy sessions. It seemed like there were two possibilities — concluding that you just weren’t worth much and shouldn’t even try, or committing yourself to volcanic struggling to prove your worth. Beverly had unconsciously chosen the latter and now seemed locked in a perpetual struggle to be acceptable.
“It sounds like you’ve figured out that you’re not likely to get what you need from your father. In fact, you may never get what you need from him, and yet you still feel you must have his approval and admiration to be acceptable. It’s quite a dilemma. You feel bad and blame yourself. You tell yourself it must be your fault. You’re feeling bad because you believe that to him, you’re just not good enough. Is that correct?”
Drying her tears, Beverly responded: “Yes, that’s right, I can never feel like I’m good enough without his approval, and I’ll probably never get that approval. Yet I keep trying. I feel stuck.”
Bill smiled. “I’m probably one of the last psychologists to still be citing Sigmund Freud, but he did have a name for what you are describing. He called it “repetition compulsion.” It’s a tendency we all have to keep repeating self- defeating behaviors in spite of negative consequences. We continue to respond in habitual and familiar ways and either perpetuate the problem or make it worse. In more recent times, we have the concept of “schemas.” Schemas are collections of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from our past. They’re always maladaptive and they get triggered by current stresses. Again, we’re talking about habitual behaviors that we know aren’t working for us, but we feel compelled to keep doing them anyway.”
Beverly looked frustrated. “Okay, I get it. I’m doing this to myself. Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I let it go?”
Bill replied: “First, realize that your belief is a powerful learned habit, and also recognize that deep in your unconscious there are powerful reasons for hanging onto this belief. We need to make these implicit, emotional learnings explicit and conscious so we can deal with them.”
“There is a technique called Emotional Memory Reconsolidation that’s helpful. It involves fully recognizing and accepting the fear that keeps you from giving up your self-defeating belief that you must have father’s full approval in order to be acceptable.” Bill proceeded to write out the following on a 3 x 5 card using the formula “if, then, so, even though.”
If, I gave up my belief that I must have my father’s approval in order to be worthwhile and acceptable, then I might stop trying so hard, I might abandon ambition and striving for excellence, and then be truly mediocre with not only no opportunity of pleasing my father, but being mediocre in everyone’s eyes. So, I must hang onto this belief. Even though this belief makes me miserable, I must hang onto this belief to be worthwhile.
Bill handed Beverly the card. She looked stunned as you read it over several times. “Yeah, this fits. This is me. I don’t like seeing it in print, but I have to admit it’s true.”
Bill had a request: “What I want you to do is carry this card with you. Read it again and again. In particular, I want you to look for disconfirming evidence that clearly contradicts the belief. It’s there if you look for it. The more you find, the easier it will be for you to let go of this belief. Giving up this belief doesn’t make you mediocre. If you value excellence and achievement, as I’m sure you do, giving up perfectionistic beliefs simply frees you up to pursue excellence and achievement without harsh self-judgments and shame. You’ll actually be freed up to enjoy achieving. You will most probably perform even better.”
As the session continued, Beverly agreed to carry the card and write down disconfirming evidence. You can’t change anything you’re not aware of and it was vital to increase not only awareness of the dysfunctional thoughts, but of the deeper beliefs preventing change. The juxtaposition of the implicit dysfunctional belief with disconfirming evidence is the key to real change.
The session focus shifted to our beliefs about “unconditional self-acceptance.” Conditional self-acceptance means you accept yourself on the condition that you’re performing well and accepted by other people. This is clearly what Beverly has been doing in her relationship with her father. Unconditional self-acceptance on the other hand is rejecting global self-assessment or having to prove your worth as a human being. According to Albert Ellis in his book How to Control Your Anxiety before Controls You: “Conditional self-esteem (self-acceptance) is always – yes, always – in doubt. It causes more anxiety, and more feelings of personal worthlessness than probably any other aspect of human living.”
There are two solutions to the problem of conditional self-acceptance. The first solution is the existential solution where you accept that you have worth simply because you exist. Obviously, this solution was not very satisfying for Beverly. The second solution is that it’s perfectly okay to evaluate your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and choices as either good or bad depending upon whether they support your basic goals or are consistent with your values. However, NEVER go beyond such evaluation to a global evaluation of yourself as either good or bad, worthy or unworthy, lovable or unlovable, etc.
“Unconditional self-acceptance” is totally logical. All of us human beings are complex with literally thousands of traits and qualities. It’s completely irrational to sum yourself up with one label such as capable or not capable. It just doesn’t make sense.
Kristin Neff, in her excellent book “Self-Compassion” seems to combine both the existential solution with the idea of unconditional self-acceptance. She states that all human beings – and you too – are imperfect. It’s part of the human condition. You can choose to be kind to yourself anyway, and you can also choose to be mindful of when you’re being kind to yourself, and when you’re being harsh. You can consistently choose to be kind.
In regard to evaluating your thoughts, feelings, and actions, Ellis has stated: “This behavior is good for my purposes (and bad if I do not do it). But I refuse to give myself a global, general or total rating for doing (or not doing) it. It may be good, according to my choice, but I am not a good person for doing it. And it may be bad, according to my desire, but I am not a bad person for doing it.” So, by all means evaluate your behaviors, but do so with patience, curiosity, kindness, and compassion – and break yourself of the habit of globally evaluating your essence as a human being.
Let’s get back to our session with Beverly.
Bill said: “Beverly, think of your perfectionistic beliefs and negative self-talk as bad habits. Habits can be extremely resistant to change, but we can change them step-by-step, systematically utilizing some findings from neuroscience. We call the process “Habitualizing.”
“The whole process doesn’t take much time, perhaps 5-10 minutes per day. The goal is for you to become far more aware, or mindful of learned negative beliefs and self-talk, and more able to seize the opportunity for building strong habits of self-acceptance and self-compassion.”
“Here’s the plan. Start each day reading a Post-it note on your bathroom mirror. The Post-it note is a short statement of your intention for increasing self-acceptance and self-compassion. This statement might read as follows.”
I intend to treat myself with self-acceptance and self-compassion, refusing to globally evaluate myself, or spend time trying to figure out how to please others. I intend to be kind to myself no matter what is happening. I intend to treat myself as well as a good friend or loved one.
“Next, take the self-assessment in this chapter and record your results on the profile sheet. Continue to do so for at least the next 30 days. The idea is for you to become so familiar with how you are doing on self-acceptance and self-compassion that you are continually noticing opportunities to do better.”
“Of course you want to be in the optimal area, but wishing doesn’t make it so. Figure out what the obstacles are for each of the 10 statements. This is called “mental contrasting” and greatly increases the likelihood of positive change. Developing an “if-then” plan takes it a step further. This is called “Intention Implementation” and goes as follows:
If my father is indifferent to me, then I will remind myself that these are his limitations and not mine. I choose to accept myself unconditionally anyway.” Neuroscience research has indicated that juxtaposing your wish to get a perfect score on self-assessment, with realistic obstacles, greatly increases the development of positive habits.”
“Finally, take five minutes for something we call “Visualization Meditation.” Imagine yourself encountering difficult situations with your father, or thoughts about your father. Imagine handling it in a very different way than you would have in the past. Imagine not immediately going to negative thoughts about yourself, but instead reframing it as your father’s problem and not something that has anything to do with your essence as a person, or as a daughter.”
You can strengthen this practice by reading your intention to yourself each time you perform frequent activity, such as eating or drinking anything during the day. Again, the idea is to frequently get a new way of thinking into your head.
“One final thing — create a journal entry in the end of each day. Write down three things that went well for you today in your development of strong self-acceptance and self- compassion habits. Next, write down why these things went well, why they are important. Finally, how could you get more of these things in your life?”
“There you have it. Working this process is literally rewiring your brain. Keep it up until no longer necessary, and this strategy whenever old habits reassert themselves.”
“I can do this,” said Beverly. “I love having a plan and it doesn’t seem hard at all.” Bill replied: “That’s great! Here’s an outline of the process and a profile sheet for keeping track of your progress. Go for it!”
There are all kinds of reasons why people have difficulty with self-acceptance and self compassion. In many cases Emotional Memory Reconsolidation or Coherence Therapy provides a ready explanation for why people tenaciously hang onto negative self-talk and dysfunctional beliefs. The following are some real examples utilizing the “if, then, so, even though” format.
If I gave up hating myself, then I would put myself out there, take risks, and fail completely and publicly, causing the complete disintegration of my life and the abandonment by all those I care about. So, I must hang onto hating myself to keep myself motivated and keep something far worse from happening. Even though hating myself makes me miserable, I must hang onto this belief to keep myself safe.
If I gave up my constant concern that I should not be a burden to others, then I’d take risks, let down my guard, screw up and for real be a burden to others and then they would for sure reject and abandon me So, I must worry continuously and incessantly about being a burden to others or I will let down my guard and allow something catastrophic to happen. Even though my constant worrying and hyper-vigilance about being a burden causes me a great deal of anguish and interferes with virtually every aspect of my life, I must keep on with my incessant worrying to ward off awful things happening.
If I let go of my belief that I’m only worthwhile if I’m accomplishing great things perfectly, then I’d demonstrate I’m worthless and I wouldn’t have a chance of being worth anything. I would be a dismal failure. So, I have to hang onto this belief that I must be perfect because giving it up means I’m a failure – worthless, hopeless, unlovable, etc. and I can’t accept imperfection. Even though I’m tired of battling with myself, day in and day out, I don’t dare let go of this belief because then for sure I will be nothing. I must hate myself to be successful and worthwhile.
If I didn’t get approval for my actions from the important people in my life, then I would make mistakes, disappoint people, hurt people’s feelings, not be thoughtful, and I’d have to live with whatever happens and I would have no one to blame but myself. So, I must run all my decisions through other people. I can’t make decisions on my own. Even though I’m left feeling dependent, powerless and angry, I must get approval from others for my actions in order to feel more secure. less anxious and more pleasing to others.
If I gave up my belief that I’m not as smart as other people, and therefore tried more new things, then I would foolishly take on new challenges and inevitably fail and be humiliated. So, I have to hang onto my belief that I’m not as smart as other people or I will prove to everyone that I’m not smart. Even though I miss out on things that I don’t try and I don’t get to experience, I must hang onto this belief to avoid failure and humiliation.
You get the idea. Our files contain hundreds of examples of how people hang onto their conditional self-acceptance. In each case there is a hidden fear that letting go of the negative beliefs will to open the door to something even worse – at least that’s what is implicit in the emotional part of your brain. It’s not rational, but then it’s not coming from part of your brain that involves reason. Our task is to get these thoughts and beliefs into your prefrontal cortex, juxtaposed with disconfirming evidence, so you can realistically deal with them. The resulting “cognitive dissonance” can only be resolved by adopting beliefs founded in reality.
Can you actually increase your self-acceptance and self-compassion? Yes you can! Approaching this task with the suggestions found in this chapter should lead to significant results. However, keep in mind that change is not instantaneous. You will notice day by day that your score is improving. Some days you may even get a lower score. That’s okay, in fact it’s a valuable part of the process. You will be able to pinpoint precisely where improvements are needed.
Self-acceptance, compassion for others and self-compassion are central to well-being, yet it isn’t easy for most of us. Self-criticism seems far more common than self-acceptance and self-compassion, but that doesn’t make it harmless. We’ve noted over the years that harsh,, negative and judgmental self-criticism lies at the heart of distress for most of our clients. Yet, there are solutions. Commit yourself to the journey.
Tips for Improvement: The Shortlist
- Carefully read and follow the “Beverly story,” found in this chapter. The example of Beverly “Habitualizing” is a complete blueprint for developing self-acceptance and self-compassion. At the end of this chapter, you will find two forms, each one allowing for 31 days of recording. The first form is for scoring yourself test on a daily basis. The second form is for plotting your daily results on a profile. It should not only be motivational for you to see daily progress, but you will also be able to quickly identify what you could’ve done differently on any given day.
- Cultivate mindful awareness by revisiting setbacks and viewing those situations as learning experiences. Trying figuring out what you might have done differently – but do so with curiosity, patience, kindness, and compassion.
- Consider Mindful Journaling (described under mindful Choice 9). At the end of the day you might write down three things that went well for you today in self-acceptance and self-compassion, why they went well, why they are important, and how you might get more of them into your life.
- You will find an abundance of material relevant to self-acceptance and self compassion in Choices 1, 2, 4, 5, and 6 of the Mindful Choices material. Conversely, mastery of the concepts of this chapter will result in progress in those other Mindful Choice areas.
- Re-take the short self-acceptance and self-compassion self-assessment from this chapter, as part of the overall Mindful Choices monthly assessment. Focus on steadily improving your score to the “Good,” or “Optimal” levels. If you are working specifically on this choice area, take this short assessment on a daily basis and follow the “Habitualizing” process.
Mindful Choice 10 Personal Development Worksheet
Step 1: Identify a foundational value, or values. In other words, why is this Mindful Choice important to me? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: How would I describe my present Mindful Choice 10 performance ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: In regard to Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion, what is the behavior I want to change?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 4: What is my personal vision for Mindful Choice 10? Imagining some point in the future. What Do I see myself doing in regard to Mindful Choice 10?
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Step 5: What do I hope to get from Mindful Choice 10:
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Step 6: To pursue Mindful Choice 10 to the point that I much more conscious and intentional in my relationships, how will I have to be in ways that might constitute a major stretch for me? Do I need a new way of being that would constitute a paradigm shift? Are there radically different ways of being (thinking, feeling, acting) that contribute to doing Mindful Choice 10 and getting what I want to get?
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Step 7: In regard to Mindful Choice 10, How will I have to act on a daily or ongoing basis so that I wind up doing what I want to do, and getting what I want to get, and being the way I want to be? How do I have to discipline myself to have consistent, routine, and well-practiced daily or ongoing actions that steadily contribute to the results I really want and value in my life?
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Step 8: What are the barriers such as negative self-talk or lack of time that might prevent me from reaching my Mindful Choice 10 goals?
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Step 9: Who will be helpful or supportive in my Mindful Choice 10 change efforts?
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Step 10: How will I be rewarded while I am accomplishing the changes I desire?
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Step 11: how important is this to me on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being extremely important? How might I sabotage the plan, or allow others to sabotage the plan?
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Step 12: I am committing to the following SMART goal (Specific as to actions I will take, Meaningful and in alignment with my values, Adaptive in that I strongly believe my life will be improved, Realistic and achievable, and Time-framed with specific time dedicated).
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Further Reading
Germer, C. K. (2009). The Mindful Path to Self Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions.New York: Guilford Press.
Bennett-Goleman, T. (2001). Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart.New York: Three Rivers Press.
Brach, T. (2003) Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. New York: Bantam.
Brown, B. (1999). Soul without shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge within Boston: Shambala.
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Cuddy, A, (2015). Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
Ecker, B., Ticic, R. & Hulley, L. (2012). Unlocking the Emotional Brain: Eliminating Symptoms at Their Roots Using Memory Reconsolidation. New York, NY: Routledge.
Feldman, C. (2005). Compassion: Listening to the Cries of the World. Berkeley: Rodmell Press.
Gilbert, P. & Choden. (2009). Mindful Compassion: How the Science of Compassion Can Help You Understand Your Emotions, Live in the Present, and Connect Deeply with Others. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. London, UK: Constable.
Goldstein, J., & Kornfield, J. (1987). Seeking the heart of wisdom: The path of insight meditation. Boston: Shambhala.
Hanh, T. N. (1997). Teachings on love. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press.
Kolts, R.(2016). CFT Made Simple: A Clinician’s Guide to Practicing Compassion-Focused Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Kornfield, J. (1993). A Path with Heart. New York: Bantam Books.
Neff, K. (2011) Self-Compassion, New York: William Morrow.
Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: Puddledancer Press.
Salzberg, S. (1997). Loving Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Boston: Shambala.
Salzberg, S. (2010). The Force of Kindness: Change Your Life with Love and Compassion. Louisville, CO: Sounds True Publishing.