From Chapter 1
Matt’s Dis-ease
Matt was deep in thought as he began his morning shaving ritual. The guy in the mirror looked tired and worried. Taking a closer look and gazing intently, he saw a guy looking back who seemed to be carrying the weight of the world, a guy with bloodshot eyes from another night of not enough sleep, along with tense drawn facial muscles framing a sad looking face that didn’t smile much these days. Laughing was definitely out of the question. Matt couldn’t remember the last time he felt carefree and actually laughed out loud. Life seemed grim and today would probably be no different than preceding days and weeks, stretching back, day by day, in a joyless unrelenting stream of exhausting and highly stressful days. Life just wasn’t fun anymore. Would it ever be fun again?
In a few moments, he would be joining Beverly for breakfast, and once again she would voice her concerns. With growing frustration, she would remind him of his overdue physical, of medical tests he continued to put off, of his lack of exercise, and his poor nutrition, things he had heard again and again. Of course it was all true. He would try to not get defensive, try not to see it as nagging. After all, she meant well. She truly loved him and only wanted to keep him around.
At some point however his irritation and defensiveness would take charge and he would once again put her off with promises he knew deep in his heart he wouldn’t be keeping, at least not right away. There was too much that had to be done, deadlines to be met, bills to be paid, impatient customers to be dealt with, and a boss too overwhelmed by his own stresses to worry much about how Matt was doing.
Beverly had resolved to be patient. After all, Matt was working hard and had enough on his plate. Preaching to him about self-care didn’t seem to be working, but she was afraid and had to find some way of getting through to him. He seemed so tired each morning, and he would come home even more tired and irritable. Their relationship was suffering, and she hated that the most. Once seen as a close, fun-loving couple, for the past few months they seemed more like roommates, and roommates who no longer had “deep” intimate conversations. She knew Matt still loved her but his lifestyle was making him miserable, and deeply affecting their life together. He was almost always anxious and grumpy, and increasingly seemed depressed and it was getting worse. Poor healthcare amplified the problems. Junk food grabbed on the run and never taking time for exercise had left Matt overweight, out of shape, more easily fatigued, with high blood pressure and possibly other serious health issues. Beverly was afraid. She had to find a solution, and soon!
On his way down to breakfast, Matt glanced at his watch. Late again! Grabbing his briefcase on the way to the kitchen, he stopped briefly to pour some coffee into a travel mug, snatch up two pieces of toast, and kiss Beverly goodbye. “Sorry Bev, it’s a late morning and the traffic is always heavier on Monday. Gotta run. See you tonight.”
As Matt turned to race out the door, Beverly said: “Hold it! I know you’re late and you know I worry about you. I want sixty seconds of your time. Everything else can wait.”
Matt sighed deeply, glanced at his watch again, glanced at the determined and very serious look on Beverly’s face, made a strategically wise decision, put down his briefcase, and said: “Okay, I’ve got sixty seconds, what’s up?”
“I know you think I’m a nag, but sometimes I think I can see the future, your future, my future, and our future, and it’s not good. Your lifestyle is killing you – and us. I promise to stop nagging if you will do one simple thing. Joyce has been telling me that her husband had the same issues until he saw someone and worked on his stress management. I want you to do the same. I’ve got the phone number and I want you to call – today! Do this for me and I’ll back off. Deal?”
Thinking quickly, Matt overruled his first idea, to put her off once again with empty promises. Seeing the look of unwavering determination in her eyes he knew it probably wouldn’t work this time. Also, remembering the tired, haggard face in the mirror, he knew deep down she was right.
“Okay, I’ll make the call.” Beverly looked deep into his eyes: “Really? Today? You will call today?” There was nowhere to run or hide this time and Matt said: “Yes, I will call today.” Beverly hugged him and gave him a lingering, heartfelt kiss and a warm smile. “You don’t know how much this means to me. I’ll see you tonight.”
Epiphany and New Direction
Later that day Matt found himself sitting down with Robin for his first “stress management” session. A brief assessment had revealed the obvious – Matt was a stress casualty and it was getting worse. He felt overwhelmed. Stress and anxiety were taking a toll, and not surprisingly he was depressed as well as stressed and anxious. Now it was affecting his relationship, and his health. He was finally convinced of the seriousness and urgency. It just couldn’t continue. He had to get things under control, and fast!
“Okay, tell me what I have to do. Isn’t there some simple checklist I can follow to get my stress under control? Whatever it takes, I will do it. I just have to start feeling better and managing my life better.”
Robin said: “I can see you feel a sense of urgency, and I see you’re ready for action. That’s good, but be aware, you’re now thirty-five years old and you have had years of practice being up-tight and stressed out. You would have to unlearn some well-practiced bad habits and have a totally different way of moving through your day from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to sleep. And you would have to be highly motivated to follow through, placing exceptional self-care above all other tasks and obligations, and it can’t be negotiable or subject to compromise. If something else can easily bump it out of first place on your list of priorities, I guarantee you it will and nothing will change. You need to believe your number one mission on this planet is to take really excellent care of you, without exception or compromise. I’m talking about lifestyle change, the kind of change that comes about only through solid commitment, greatly increased awareness, choosing very different behaviors, having a clear sense of how you want your life to be different, and most importantly – practice, practice, and more practice!”
Matt had been listening with great interest but also increasing anxiety. How long would this take? Where would he find the time? It sounded so involved, so complicated. Where would he start? What would he have to give up?
“Okay, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I thought this would be quick and easy but I can see there is more to it than that. Where do I begin? Is there a checklist I can follow? What would a good day of stress management look like?”
Robin replied: “These are great questions. Let’s talk about some answers, so you can leave here today with a clear direction and even having made a solid beginning. First though, as far as a checklist, the answer is a bit complicated. We can tell you based upon the assessments that there are lots of important choices you can make, choices that will make an immediate difference in your life as you commit to action, and follow-through.”
“I suppose these choices constitute a kind of list, but not a checklist where you can simply perform a behavior, check it off your list, and consider that you are effectively managing your stress. It’s not a list of choices and behaviors that you can immediately activate and reap an immediate reward. It’s not a list of ‘doing,’ but a way of ‘being’ that you cultivate over time. It’s about lifestyle change and often a paradigm shift from where you are now to where you want to be in the future. It’s a process and a discipline, and it takes time and practice.”
Seeing Matt’s look of consternation Robin added: “Don’t worry. With a little time and patience you will make great changes. In fact, with the right plan you can transform your life. All you have to do is practice something called “mindful awareness” and learn a systematic process of self observation, self-assessment, and mindful action – all things you can readily learn.”
“The best news? What I’m proposing is not something where you have to wait a year to see results. You can start seeing results tomorrow, and it gets better and better as you work the process. We fully believe that down the road you can be a calm and peaceful person, who’s enjoying the life he has created. Our program, Mindful Choices, covers virtually every aspect of a lifestyle transformation from a life of anxiety and stress to a life of well-being. There are literally thousands of choices that lead to improvements in your well-being and happiness.”
“However, it’s simply not practical to try to make all choices at once, and some choices you may have already mastered. Based on an in-depth self-assessment, you can choose the area to work on that will give you the most immediate benefit. Once you have mastered that choice you can move on to another choice. Altogether, mastery of our ten choices, the Mindful Choices System, takes time but can result in a pretty terrific life.”
Matt had been listening with interest. “Okay, I get it. We are talking about lifestyle change and lifestyle change takes commitment, focus, and a lot of practice. I’m ready to learn whatever it takes. First though, how about my third question? What would it look like to have the perfect stress management day? Also, how long will it take me to get started? ”
Robin replied: “Let me tackle your second question first – you will get started before you leave this session, and I’m betting you’ll experience positive results very quickly. Now let’s talk about your first question. A hypothetical perfect stress management day would include elements of all ten Mindful Choices and although quite comprehensive, would also be highly individualized. There can’t be a “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to stress management. Our role is coaching our clients to achieve, over time, their version of a calm, peaceful and satisfying lifestyle. While you can begin incorporating elements of our ten choices in your stress management day immediately, you will be fine tuning these choices for quite some time, getting better and better results.”
Robin explained to Matt that even though he wanted immediate results, his journey needed to be committed to the long haul, and ongoing. Lifestyle change means not only doing things differently, but sustaining that effort — for life! She added that Matt, if patient and motivated, could ultimately achieve mastery of all ten “Mindful Choices,“ and therefore find himself transformed into a much calmer, more peaceful, and happier person.
As explained to Matt the ten Mindful Choices are:
1. Breath Awareness and Retraining. This means developing a consciousness of breathing patterns so that you are instantly aware of becoming "uptight," and able to use your awareness of your upper chest breathing as a cue to immediately employ a relaxation response involving diaphragmatic breathing. This step also involves literally retraining the way you breathe, developing a stress reducing pattern of breathing that becomes more effective over time. Breath awareness is a basic relaxation step, and basic to all other choices.
2. Beginning and Ending Your Day Peacefully. Begin your day of calmness, rather than anxiety and stress, consciously and intentionally, setting the stage for moving through your day in "cruise mode," with ongoing awareness of your intention to have a great day. Ending your day peacefully and settling in for a night of peaceful and revitalizing sleep is perhaps even more important than beginning your day well.
3. Mindful Eating. Beginning with breakfast and incorporating healthy nutrition, mindful eating is about taking the time to focus on food in a pleasurable, non-anxious manner, without distraction. Not only is this the secret to healthy and enjoyable eating, but it also provides stress breaks at regular intervals during your day to reconnect with yourself and regain your balance. Your relationship to food is a metaphor for your relationship with your life.
4. Staying Present. Frequently checking in with yourself, with your mind and with your body, is a vital step in cultivating the mindful awareness vital to effective stress and anxiety management.
At least once an hour, if not more frequently, you can check in with yourself with what is known as a mind-body scan, taking stock of your anxiety and stress, your thoughts and feelings, and what’s going on in your body. You can use your awareness of your stress level as a cue to plug-in a learned relaxation response, calming and centering yourself, and readying yourself to move forward in a purposeful and intentional way, never losing sight of the importance of excellent self-care.
5. Engaging in Self Reflection. Engaging in self reflection and dealing with negative self talk and distorted thinking with awareness, acceptance, and realistic corrective self-talk, is a key to transforming a life filled with anxiety and depression to a life that can be fully satisfying.
6. Connecting with and Living Your Deepest Values. Connecting with, and living, your deepest values, and making sure your day includes balance, are often qualities that are missing.
7. Intentional Relating. Connecting with those who matter most to you, and with others in a purposeful and satisfying way, while masterfully managing conflict, eliminates or reduces perhaps the biggest source of stress in our lives.
8. Physical Activity. Regular exercise that includes aerobics, strength training, and developing flexibility, along with gentle movement with peaceful thoughts and self-calming inner dialogue, are essential to effective anxiety and stress management practice.
9. Develop and Utilize Your Mindful Choices Toolbox. Some form of meditation/relaxation/mental imagery or visualization helps maintain equilibrium and promotes overall well-being. Consider yoga, mindfulness meditation, Tai Chi, mindful journaling and other practices for enriching your life. The list of possible tools is limitless. The important thing is to have practices that enrich your life, revitalize you, and consistently contribute to high level of well-being.
10. Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion. Perhaps the most important choice, research indicates that people who are compassionate toward their failings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves. Give yourself the same caring support you'd give to a good friend.
The Vision
Robin went on: “Matt, I’d like you to use your imagination for a moment. These ten choice areas encompass everything we teach about not only managing stress, anxiety and depression, but also about achieving a high level of well-being. Altogether, they make up a system for transforming the life you have to the life you want. It takes time and commitment and over time transformation takes place. What would it be like to be performing well in all choice areas?
Imagine:
Being able to use your breath to quickly calm and center yourself and make emotionally intelligent choices, moment by moment.
Being able to begin and end your day in such a way that your day is deeply satisfying and relatively free of stress and anxiety.
Being able to relax and enjoy meals, make positive food choices, and utilize mealtime as a way to connect positively with your body and with life.
Being able to be aware and intentional throughout your day so you feel confident, peaceful and fully alive, moment by moment.
Choosing to defuse and detach from negative thoughts and beliefs, instead viewing the world in a more positive, realistic, and compassionate manner.
Believing that your day is meaningfully connected with your deepest values, and your life is meaningful and purposeful, and deeply satisfying.
Being masterful in your relationships, building positive relationships and seeing your relationships as perhaps the richest part of your life.
Being at home within your own body, enjoying movement and finding deep satisfaction in seeing yourself as a physical and active person.
Having a variety of well-practiced tools such as the regular practice of meditation or yoga, tools that serve as a foundation for a calm, peaceful lifestyle.
Practicing self compassion and self acceptance, letting go of harsh and critical self judgment, consistently choosing an attitude of kindness toward self, recognizing you are one with all of humanity, with all of us being imperfect.
“Of course, we’re talking about a vision of the perfect stress management day. These are goals to aim for and we don’t expect anyone to tackle everything at one time. That would simply be overwhelming and undoable. Instead, we ask people to select choice areas based upon their assessment, and then to work intensively on those areas until they have seen significant progress and demonstrated to their own satisfaction that this choice area can work for them. Then it’s time to move on to a new choice area. In time you will have a comfortable working knowledge of each of the 10 areas, with the ability to rapidly choose healthy alternatives to old habitual responses which may have only increased your discomfort.”
Robin added: “There is a world of choices within each area. Although you can begin to incorporate elements of each choice within your stress management plan right away, further exploration and learning will help you become truly masterful.”
“Before you leave, let’s talk more about what you can do right now, and how you can approach your day tomorrow in such a way that you should notice positive changes very quickly. Let’s start by practicing diaphragmatic breathing.”
Homecoming and a Paradigm Shift
Matt was home a little earlier than usual, and Beverly thought she noticed something different. Somehow he didn’t look as frazzled as he did other Monday evenings. She tried not to be too excited or optimistic as she asked: “How did it go in your therapy session?
Matt replied: “Better than I’d expected. I learned that managing my stress was more complicated than I thought. I learned that fully managing my stress and anxiety involves a systematic process of mindful self-awareness through self-assessment and self-reflection leading ultimately to lifestyle change through mindful action and practice. Mostly, I learned it’s all about choices, and choices that are connected to my values. I need to get back to a focus on what’s really important. It’s about learning how to pay attention to what’s happening in the here and now, developing clarity about my intentions, and choosing, moment by moment, day by day, to do what really matters most.”
“I’ll explain more about this over dinner. I learned I can start immediately on stress reduction, but also work on longer-term transformation to greater health and well-being.”
“It’s going to take consistent and focused effort to break free from the pull of some bad habits, but I know I can do it. In fact, I’ve already started. I learned how to breathe diaphragmatically, and I’ve been practicing taking three deep breaths as a kind of mini relaxation — virtually instant de-stressing. Also, I’ll be taking time every day to develop a heightened awareness of my breath, over time retraining my breathing patterns.”
“I’m already believing it will help. I made a commitment to continue the breathing practice and to work systematically for as long as it takes on other areas that need attention – including our relationship. I’ve been too stressed out to be much good for either one of us and I feel badly about that. I don’t want to lose ‘us,’ and I’ve got to stop inflicting my stress on you, and being too tired and preoccupied to make our time together what it should be. I want to be fully present for you, and able to connect with you in a positive way that’s good for both of us. I’ve missed that.”
“I’ve missed that too,” replied Beverly. “Welcome back!
From Chapter 2
Matt had just finished plotting the results of his Mindful Choices Self-Assessment on the profile sheet. It’d taken nearly 30 minutes and now he sat back and reflected on the results. A jagged up-and-down profile line ran across the page, showing widely varying results for 10 Mindful Choice areas.
Robin had said that the 10 Mindful Choice areas were selected because the Shearers had concluded from decades of clinical experience that these 10 areas were not only crucial to managing stress, anxiety and depression, but also presented huge opportunities for personal growth and transformation. Matt hadn’t realized how important each area was and how interrelated the areas were until actually going through the assessment. Now, gazing at the results, he could see for the first time what Robin was talking about — the complexity of his life and the possibility of systematic, step-by-step, transformation.
Where do I begin? Matt was excited and eager to get started – but where? Robin had said this was only the first step. Next would come establishing goals and figuring out priorities. He would get to decide which Mindful Choice area he’d tackle first. Then each month he would take the assessment again, evaluate his progress, recalibrate priorities, and if necessary, establish new goals. Each month growth and change would be accompanied by greater life satisfaction.
Matt had already looked at several Action Planning Guides. Each was an in-depth manual for growth in a particular Mindful Choice area. He remembered Robin saying that Mindful Choice 1 was a necessary starting point and foundational to all other choices. Breath Awareness and Breath Retraining were so important that Mindful Choice 1 was the one choice area that would be an ongoing focus. Beyond that, Matt would be selecting one other Mindful Choice area to work on at a time until ready to move on to a new area. Having already made some important changes, Matt was excited about the next step.
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It had been only five days since Matt completed his Mindful Choices self-assessment profile, but like tonight, he had looked it over many times. This evening as he settled back in his chair, he felt a mixture of optimism and concern. The optimism resulted from scores that were already quite different than they would have been a month ago. The first choice area, Breath Awareness and Retraining was a13 out of 20. Not bad, thought Matt. When I started my score was 3, and I’m getting better and better. What a difference! If this were the only choice area the effect would still be incredible. I’m much more aware of my breath, moment by moment, and that awareness has become a powerful tool for managing my stress. Not bad!
As he surveyed the other scores, Matt noticed that all Mindful Choice areas had room for improvement. He felt pleased that five were in the “good” category. The remaining five. however were in the “attention needed,” or urgent attention needed categories. Yes, Matt thought, there was definitely room for improvement, and he felt confident that he could in time improve on everything. However, he needed to prioritize.
He recalled Robin saying: “All of the choice areas are relevant not only to stress, anxiety, and depression, but to your overall quality of life. Over time, as you improve your scores, you’ll notice liking your life more and more. Everything will seem to be working better, and you’ll feel solidly in charge. However, please don’t try to do everything at once. Let’s focus on one area at a time, build strong new habits in that area, and then move on. Anyway, the choices are interrelated and as you improve on one area, you’ll find other scores are improving as well. Let’s be focused and do what matters most now. Trying to do everything at once is not only overwhelming, but much less effective.”
Matt stared at the profile. Mindful Eating had the lowest score. At 4 out of 20 It was definitely a problem area. Matt recalled Robin saying: “Matt, the way you approach food is a metaphor for how you approach your life. You eat on the run, skip meals, eat junk food, eat in your car, and routinely engage in high stress problem solving while eating. Think about it! How you eat is a reflection of how you view your life. Furthermore, it’s literally impossible to have solid self-care and effective stress management If you don’t have a peaceful relationship with food. Mealtime needs to be approached calmly and peacefully and can even be a form of meditation. It’s a chance to call “timeout” from stress and worry, a time to recharge your batteries and reconnect to what’s important, a time to reconnect with yourself and with life.”
Matt had already resolved to practice Mindful Eating. In fact, despite Robin’s insistence that only one area be worked on at a time, he was already making changes simply out of greater awareness and understanding. He’d stopped eating in his car and working through lunch. He was trying to slow down his eating. It was difficult, but he was confident that he would keep making progress now that he was more self-aware.
However, Mindful Eating hadn’t been his first choice.
Not his lowest scoring Mindful Choice, but the one generating greatest concern by far was Intentional Relating. Totally in love with Beverly, his wife of 17 years, Matt was aware of all too frequently being irritable and sometimes downright unkind. How could this be? She was his life. He’d be lost without her. She stood beside him through some very difficult times. She was the one person he knew he could count on, no matter what. So why was he so hard to live with? Only this morning he had apologized for one more quick reaction, one more sarcastic comeback. Beverly had responded, not in anger, but in a way that made Matt feel deeply ashamed. Beverly simply smiled and calmly responded: “That’s all right. I’m used to it.” She shouldn’t have to be “used to it,” thought Matt. Why am I like that and why can’t I change?
Two days later, sitting in Robin’s office, Matt proclaimed: “I need to change. How do I go about improving my score on Intentional Relating?” Robin responded: “Well first of all, it’s a matter of becoming more mindful, more fully aware of what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing when interacting with Beverly, and with others as well.”
She continued: “It’s like a bad habit. You habitually respond as though you’re on autopilot, and before you fully realize it, you’ve said mean or hurtful things. Over time, as these behaviors are repeated again and again, an angry, irritable, defensive response becomes a kind of knee-jerk reaction. When we say you’re on autopilot, it’s another way of saying your ‘mindless’ rather than acting mindfully.”
“That’s true,” responded Matt. “Often I’m not even aware of what I said or how I said it until Beverly calls my attention to it – then I feel really bad! How do I become more mindful?” Robin responded: “First of all, this response you’re describing ties in with Breath Awareness and Retraining. Most likely the responses you’re trying to change occur most often when you’re in fight or flight mode, when your anxiety has gotten the better of you, when you’re most likely to respond reactively and defensively – when you’re on autopilot.”
“Here’s the formula,” said Robin, and she began describing Mindful Choices Programming. “First you need to continue practicing your breath awareness so you can catch yourself being uptight and defensive when talking to Beverly. Next you need to become very aware of thoughts and beliefs you have which drive you to be inconsiderate or unkind in your responses. For example, people often are defensive when they’ve embraced a belief earlier in their lives that they have to fight back when they feel threatened or attacked. It’s as if not doing so is confirmation that they are truly incompetent, unlovable, and a bad person, so of course they have to fight back. In actuality, it’s only a learned belief, and a belief that’s destructive.”
Using a technique called Rational Emotive Therapy or RET*, Robin and Matt uncovered several beliefs that led to Matt reacting automatically with anger and defensiveness whenever he perceived himself to be criticized or attacked, perceptions usually unwarranted.
The most blatant beliefs were written on 3 x 5 file cards, utilizing the following formula from Memory Reconsolidation otherwise known as Coherence Therapy:
If I didn’t defend myself against any and all criticism, then by default I must really be incompetent, unlovable, and a bad person.
So, I have to fight back in order to defend myself.
Even though this belief creates problems in my relationships, I hang onto this belief to keep from feeling bad feelings about myself.
Matt was instructed to carry the card with him for the following week, reading it frequently and making note of how erroneous and destructive the belief was. It’s a contention of Coherence Therapy that this juxtaposition of a non-rational core belief or maladaptive schema with reality leads your brain to actually rewire neuronal connections as you cannot hold opposing ideas in your head without something changing.
Robin explained to Matt that the essence of transformational change is self-assessment, intention and commitment, planning for overcoming obstacles, visualization, practice, and repeating the process daily until strong new habits have been developed. “Is there a daily sequence I should be following,” asked Matt?. Yes, Robin replied and she presented Matt with the basic structure for Mindful Choices Programming:
- “Early each day complete the self-assessment related to the Mindful Choice area you are working on. In this case Matt, you’ll be doing the Intentional Relating self assessment. This should take you about five minutes or less. You be looking back on the last 24 hours and assessing how well you’ve done on each of 10 defining statement, reading each one from 0 to 4.
- Don’t forget to enter your score on your Intentional Relating Profile Sheet.
- Next you’ll be looking forward and visualizing the day ahead in great detail. You will practice a combination strategy known as Mental Contrasting + Intention Implementation + Visualization* which we’ll talk about in more detail before you get started. It’s only one of many research and evidence-based tools for transcending your past rather than merely re-creating it, instead creating your future with awareness and choice. We’ll also use other tools from the cutting edge of cognitive neuroscience with names such as Memory Reconsolidation or Coherence Therapy*. We will discuss and practice these strategies as we continue.
- Throughout the day you will regularly connect with positive affirmations related to your choice and utilize some of the other tools you have been given, staying aware of what’s happening moment by moment, and remaining powerfully connected to your intention.
- The next day you will repeat the process, and again the day after, and so on, until strong new habits have been developed. The whole process will take very little time each day. It’s simply a systematic way of sharpening your awareness of what you want, changes you’d like to make, and effectively following through until you’ve achieved transformation, breaking free of the past and creating a positive future.
Okay, ready to get started?” Matt replied: “Yeah, let’s do it!”
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From Chapter 15
Matt was deep in thought as he entered the final leg of his morning commute. For a change the traffic was light – unusual for a Monday; he was actually arriving ten minutes early. The sun was shining, the temperature was great, all the stats were positive, things were good with Bev and the kids – so, what was it then?
He had learned deep breathing early in his therapy sessions, and was faithfully following the suggestions. It was definitely helping. Reminding himself to take three deep diaphragmatic breaths when feeling stressed kept him from feeling perpetually "frazzled" – his term for the state of near panic that until recently was becoming an ongoing condition. Moreover, he was now able to be more aware of his level of stress and anxiety, and to use that awareness as a reminder to breathe and "take it down a notch or two." It worked! But still...
Robin had talked about self-calming skill being in two parts, deep, slow, regular abdominal breathing, or "belly breathing," along with defusing and redirecting self-talk. She said that doing one without the other was like driving your car with one foot on the accelerator and the other foot on the brake – not an effective way to drive, and probably not good for the equipment either.
It was that second part, the self-talk. I've always been hard on myself, Matt thought, but that's just the way I am. If I don't push myself, I'll fall short of my goals. I might even lose my job. Where would that leave Bev and the kids? Of course I've got to beat up on myself from time to time. It's all that keeps me from being mediocre. How else can I see it? I'm not sure I understand this self-talk thing.
Pulling into the office parking lot Matt reminded himself to take three more deep breaths. Yes, it was working. Feeling Un-characteristically calm, Matt put on his happy face and headed through the lobby door. "Morning Sally," he said, walking briskly past the receptionist. Sally glanced up from a pile of memos. "Good morning Matt. Mr. Johnson wants to see you right away, and he looks like he's got a full head of steam up already. Better check in with him as soon as you can."
Matt picked up the pace wondering if he should go straight to see the boss or go to his office first to collect his thoughts. Have I missed something? Is Jack upset? How should I handle this? What if I screwed something up? What have I forgotten? What if he’s unhappy with my performance? What if...?
Taking three deep breaths Matt headed to see Mr. Johnson, his mind racing with "What if?" thoughts, his stomach feeling queasy. Unconsciously he was walking faster and breathing was becoming more rapid and shallow. He caught himself once again and reminded himself – breathe! The breathing was helping, but it was a struggle to keep the anxiety at bay.
Matt tried to remember – what was that about brake and accelerator?
From Chapter 14
Matt learned diaphragmatic breathing from Robin during his first session. It was magic! Previously stress and anxiety had seemed overwhelming and the effects were felt in his work-life, his relationships, and his health. His quality of life had been at an all time low and he didn’t like the life he was living. In fact, life seemed bleak and pointless, one stressful day after another with no enjoyment – just more stress.
The “breath work” brought about major changes. Matt hadn’t realized he had been breathing mainly from his upper chest, breathing becoming more rapid, shallow and irregular with increasing stress – and he was almost always stressed. In fact, Matt wasn’t much aware of his breathing at all until he began the practice. Spending just 10-15 minutes a day practicing diaphragmatic breathing, or “belly” breathing made him aware of his breathing 24-7. That heightened awareness allowed him to catch himself being “up-tight,” such an awareness serving as a cue reminding him to plug in a learned relaxation response, quickly lowering his level of stress and anxiety. Moreover, Matt had learned to take three deep diaphragmatic breaths whenever he was aware of being stressed, and the additional step worked wonders.
Matt had also been learning about “self-talk.” We all talk to ourselves, but most of us aren’t much aware of self-talk or the incessant inner chatter that typifies how the human mind works.
Our minds are always busy generating thoughts, and some of those thoughts are destructive. Matt learned we often disturb ourselves with automatic negative thoughts, or long held core beliefs that aren’t accurate and don’t serve us very well. He also learned about “schema,” self-destructive patterns learned mostly in childhood that lead us to re-create the conditions of our childhood that were most difficult for us (more about schema in Life Choice 5).
An epiphany! When he was up-tight, or in fight or flight mode (which was often the case), Matt wasn’t much aware of self-talk at all. It was only when he slowed himself down with diaphragmatic breathing that he became fully conscious of things he was telling himself. He realized it wasn’t so much what was happening that was important, but what he was telling himself about what was happening. When calmer, he could actually observe his own thoughts, see them as only “stories” his mind was telling him, decide that those stories were not particularly useful, and choose a different and wiser direction.
Diaphragmatic breathing alone wasn’t enough, nor was redirecting his self talk in and of itself sufficient. It was a team effort – well practiced diaphragmatic breathing combined with more realistic self talk, leading to more useful choices dramatically lowered his stress. Doing one without the other was like having one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake. In combination however the results were dramatic. Matt discovered that he could breathe deep, slow, and regular, while talking to himself in a calm and self-soothing way, gently reminding himself: “It’s okay. Let it go. There is no emergency here, I’m a fallible human being, just like all other human beings – and that’s okay.”
Matt realized self talk had a tone, and the tone was important. His thoughts could be loud, demanding, or scary, or they could be soft, gentle, and quiet. There was also an urgency and tempo. Matt became aware of having racing thoughts when he was stressed, or slowing his thoughts and focusing when he decided on a different and more reasonable direction. It was a choice. Be frazzled, or calm down, slow down, and let go!
Exciting possibilities – Matt felt more in control of his life than ever before. It was quite a paradox. While desperately seeking control over his life, life seemed unmanageable. Letting go of volcanic struggling however, opened the door to a life of purpose, meaning, and satisfaction. What an insight! Over control is out of control. You have to give up control to actually find control.
Matt thought – this is great. Where do I go from here? Realizing that old habits die hard, and would resurface given the opportunity, Matt was eager to take this new learning further. In therapy, he learned that this process actually had a name – “mindfulness.”
It was a discipline, a skill that could be developed with practice. Mainstream culture and psychology seem to just now be discovering the power of mindfulness, but it’s actually a 2500 year-old concept. Resources are plentiful, both in print, and on the Internet. For example, you might check out the many mindfulness videos on YouTube.
Matt had begun what was to become central to his life, a journey of self-awareness, a journey of transformation. Matt was learning to be awake and purposeful rather than on autopilot, in charge of his life, intrinsically motivated, reinventing himself, and reshaping his future. Exciting possibilities!
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From Chapter 15
Matt was deep in thought as he entered the final leg of his morning commute. For a change the traffic was light – unusual for a Monday; he was actually arriving ten minutes early. The sun was shining, the temperature was great, all the stats were positive, things were good with Bev and the kids – so, what was it then?
He had learned deep breathing in his therapy session, and was faithfully following the suggestions. It was definitely helping. Reminding himself to take three deep diaphragmatic breaths when feeling stressed kept him from feeling perpetually "frazzled" – his term for the state of near panic that until recently was becoming an ongoing condition. Moreover, he was now able to be more aware of his level of stress and anxiety, and to use that awareness as a reminder to breathe and "take it down a notch or two." It worked! But still...
Robin had talked about self-calming skill being in two parts, deep, slow, regular abdominal breathing, or "belly breathing," along with defusing and redirecting self-talk. She said that doing one without the other was like driving your car with one foot on the accelerator and the other foot on the brake – not an effective way to drive, and probably not good for the equipment either.
It was that second part, the self-talk. I've always been hard on myself, Matt thought, but that's just the way I am. If I don't push myself, I'll fall short of my goals. I might even lose my job. Where would that leave Bev and the kids? Of course I've got to beat up on myself from time to time. It's all that keeps me from being mediocre. How else can I see it? I'm not sure I understand this self-talk thing.
Pulling into the office parking lot Matt reminded himself to take three more deep breaths. Yes, it was working. Feeling Un-characteristically calm, Matt put on his happy face and headed through the lobby door. "Morning Sally," he said, walking briskly past the receptionist. Sally glanced up from a pile of memos. "Good morning Matt. Mr. Johnson wants to see you right away, and he looks like he's got a full head of steam up already. Better check in with him as soon as you can."
Matt picked up the pace wondering if he should go straight to see the boss or go to his office first to collect his thoughts. Have I missed something? Is Jack upset? How should I handle this? What if I screwed something up? What have I forgotten? What if he’s unhappy with my performance? What if...?
Taking three deep breaths Matt headed to see Mr. Johnson, his mind racing with "What if?" thoughts, his stomach feeling queasy. Unconsciously he was walking faster and breathing was becoming more rapid and shallow. He caught himself once again and reminded himself – breathe! The breathing was helping, but it was a struggle to keep the anxiety at bay.
Matt tried to remember – what was that about brake and accelerator?
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From Chapter 15
Awareness, Focus and Practice
Matt arrived early for his weekly session. Sitting alone in the waiting room, he decided to take some time and review written information he’d been given on Mindful Choice 5, Self Reflection and Managing Negative Self Talk. The material began with a quotation. He’d seen it before, and he’d wondered how a philosopher in the first century A.D. could so succinctly sum up his experience in 2015. Epictetus had said: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”
That’s got to be true, thought Matt. I sometimes respond as though Beverly is the enemy. I know that’s not true. Why then do I sometimes snap at her? Why is it so easy for me to be defensive? It seems so automatic. It’s not what she’s actually saying — it’s how I take it. Why can’t I change this? Why do I keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again? I feel anger and irritation so easily, and before I know it, I’ve put my foot in my mouth one more time, like 1000 times before. Why can’t I change?
That’s the question Matt posed to Robin. He had previously decided to work on Mindful Choice 7, Intentional Relating, and now he was realizing his reactions have a lot to do with underlying self-talk and beliefs – much of it going back to childhood. He repeated the question: “Why can’t I change? Is change even possible?”
Robin replied: “The short answer is yes, of course you can change. You can change virtually anything that’s important to you, but it takes more than wishing. In fact, wishing alone makes it less likely that you will do anything effective about the problem. It seems your brain is easily satisfied by the fantasy of the relationship going well and the pressure is taken off actually having to do something.”
“Okay, I can see this is really important to you so let’s talk about a systematic way of bringing about change, actually a combination of methods validated by a mountain of scientific research. Let me introduce you to WOOP, which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, and Plan. This process can be applied to anything you want to change or accomplish, and the research is clear. You are far more likely to follow through and achieve the results you want if you go further than wishing.”
“Let’s start with your Wish. What’s the immediate wish you have? What is a feasible change, something that you want to increase, decrease, or modify?”
Matt didn’t have to think. “That’s easy. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner. It’s not her, it’s me. I seem to have a hair trigger and I’m really crabby – sometimes I’m downright mean. When I’m like that I don’t like me very much, and I don’t think she does either”
Robin responded: “Okay, let’s talk about Outcome. Imagine the positive future outcome of being able to fulfill this wish consistently. What would that be?”
Matt was ready with an answer: “Again, that’s an easy one. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward one step backwards. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with. I suppose I was once. I’d like to be there again.
“Good,” Robin responded. “Now let’s tackle the Obstacle. What’s the most critical personal obstacle that stands in the way of fulfilling your wish?”
This was more difficult, Matt thought. “Let me think about that for a moment. For sure it’s not something that Beverly is doing. It’s all within me. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Before I know it I’m responding...” Matt seemed to be struggling for the right word.
“Mindlessly?” Robin knew the answer but wanted to confirm it with Matt. He responded: “Yes, I’m preprogrammed and it is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own. How do I break free?”
Robin replied: “Exactly! You’re on autopilot and we want conscious awareness and intention. First though we need to break it down. Imagine the last few times you were a grouch. Building upon what you’ve already learned about mindfulness, what do you suppose was happening?”
“Well I definitely wasn’t being mindful,” Matt replied. “When Beverly started to talk I instantly perceived it as criticism and began playing my ‘victim movie.’ I thought to myself, here we go again! This is another thing I screwed up. Then I had to fight back, or at least that’s what I told myself. I guess I think that if I don’t fight back, maybe I really will be seen as incompetent or simply a bad person. I suppose if I had been watching my breathing like we’ve talked about, I would’ve realized that I was definitely ’uptight,’ with shallow breathing and a lot of tension in my upper chest, neck, shoulders, and face. It all happens so fast, and why shouldn’t it? It’s been rehearsed again and again, all the way back in the my childhood when I felt overly criticized by my parents and picked on by my brothers.”
“Wow, I never saw it so clearly before. I really want this to change. I want to be mindful.”
The sincerity and eagerness were quite apparent to Robin, and she said: “Matt, the most important part of what we’re doing today is the last step, Plan. We’ll put together a detailed plan, based on solid research, greatly increasing the probability that you will not only make the changes you want, but you’ll stick to them transforming your relationship with Beverly.” Robin proceeded to outline a six step plan to Matt.
Step 1. Formulate and if-then plan. Being very specific, know what you will do when you notice elements of being uptight. If you notice any of these elements, then you will take three deep breaths, remind yourself of your intention to build a satisfying relationship with Beverly, remind yourself of all the benefits of being in such a relationship, and commit yourself to listening without defensiveness, giving up having to be right, having to win, having to fix it, or having to escape or avoid. You will focus on understanding, suspending operating out of your ego, instead putting your own stuff on the back burner and tuning in calmly and respectfully to Beverly.
Step 2. Each morning looking back upon the past 24 hours and take about three minutes to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, recording your score on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. Don’t judge yourself. Just tell yourself that you’re a work in progress and resolve to follow the plan.
Step 3. Looking forward, visualize proceeding through your day in such a manner that you will be pleased when you next complete an Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, approximately 24 hours later. However, it’s not just a matter of wanting to do well. You must also visualize the obstacles you’ve already identified. You be on the lookout for all the signs of being ‘uptight,’ such as shallow breathing, muscular tension, and defensive self-talk — all signs of being in fight or flight mode.
Step 4. Visualize responding to each obstacle with your if-then plan. Take your time and visualize successfully enacting your plan with great detail as though it’s actually happening. You will be most effective if you engage fully in Visualization Meditation, imagining step-by-step going through your day and performing in the optimal area on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment.
Step 5. Throughout the day, perform mind body checks, tuning into your mind and body and reminding yourself of your intention to manage your stress and specifically to manage your relationships consciously and intentionally. This is also a great time to repeat affirmations you created to keep you on track about your desires for a strong, satisfying, loving relationship with Beverly.
Step 6. Repeat the process the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits.”
“There you have it Matt,” said Robin. You can change virtually anything you want to change. All you need is a feasible goal and plan, and the motivation to follow through with consistent daily self-assessment and practice. It’s a process of awareness, focus and practice, repeated day after day until strong and enduring new habits have been created. This is different from the way most people go about attempting change – which is little more than wishful thinking. We’re talking about a systematic method for mindfully sharpening your awareness, making new choices, and practicing new behaviors until you own them. All you need to do is work the program.”
“I’m ready to go,” said Matt with obvious enthusiasm. “I’m going to start today.”